How to be a Good Friend

Sarah Tirri
September 9, 2019

You won’t know how to be a good friend unless you know what motivates you. To be a good friend, you will have to become aware of your own conditioning. Introspection is necessary when wanting to know yourself but often what you will find is the junk you have kept buried because it was too difficult to deal with at the time, or what you found was embarrassing and ugly, or it was just plain easier not to be honest with yourself.

If like me, your childhood was traumatic, you will likely come to realize that a lot of crap got buried.  For me as a child born in England to parents who had know idea why they were born either, was no picnic. I was simply toted along on their journey without them having any clue or concern about how this might affect me. But I woke up at age 33 and 'remembered' what the premise of this existence was all about. It was then that I came to understand that I had chosen the structures of my childhood as well as the inevitable conditioning that followed, which was the whole point. The conditioning is the spiritual stuff you need to work on. The themes that you ignore now, will stay alive until you do, during this lifetime or the next.

Know this: Just by recognizing that you chose the parameters of your childhood gives rise to a tremendous cathartic affect which happens quite automatically. It will feel as though you have shed a layer of very heavy, cold and wet clothing that you have been inadvertently wearing because you had no idea you had a choice in the matter. After 'remembering' the bigger picture of who you are, you will feel alive and new and fresh but the conditioning of your ego might still be there, it is supposed to be. It is now up to you to understand and then dismantle the ego's stronghold (as voiced through your thinking-mind) so that your soul-mind is dominant in your immediate awareness... only then can you be happy, only then can you be a better friend, or a better whatever.

Know this also: The likelihood that you carry emotional baggage from previous lifetimes is a real possibility. If you are having to endure difficult friendships or relationships, your baggage could very well be the cause, so could theirs.

Back when I was still seeking, I understood that my consciousness was imbued with ego and soul, existing in tandem as separate but co-joined entities that made up my internal operating system. I often felt like it was in a battle of some kind. I constantly had to fight my way out of ugly intense thought forms; sometimes I felt like a monster was responsible for my thought-forms until my soul-mind alerted me to the fact that I was responsible for the countless shitty thoughts my mind had replayed over and over again because I had been 'asleep'. The contents of my mind had taken me over thirty years to inadvertently nurture because I had been unconscious of what my mind was doing. This "Great Work" of renewing my mind required constant herculean acts of self-discipline because I had become mentally lazy. I had to constantly dis-identify with my thinking-mind and re-focus my attention so I was 'present'. I still do this, all day long. I would have preferred a shortcut, but there wasn’t one, and from time to time I would hear my soul-mind plead, “Sarah! For God’s sake. Look at how far you have come! You are doing really well. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Why are you so hard on yourself?” The thinking-mind of my ego would retort with scorn, “Sarah! You are not doing that well, but fuck it, have a drink, eat some potato chips, and tomorrow you can tell that bitch at Starbucks that she has no idea about customer service and report her to the manager. Oh, and tell your husband that he should get his fat arse to the gym! Sarah, it’s not you—it’s them!”

Remember: Unless you are aware of yourself (your mind) and what it is doing, being a good friend will be difficult because it is so easy to be in some 'mental elsewhere', therefore not 'present'. Don't be on auto-pilot, your friendships will be negatively affected if you are.

To be a good friend, you must be able to consciously work on yourself without any kind of self recrimination or self disgust interfering with the process. Do not get frustrated or impatient. Do not judge yourself, ever. This is the voice of the ego and you must not identify with it. Your spiritual obligation is to be good to yourself so you can be good to others. Your ego-mind will interfere with this process if you are not vigilant. And remember, unless you are capable of being good to yourself, you’ll make a lousy friend.

What are the Three Types of Friendship? 

Type 1: Casual friendships. Casual friendships come and go. The interaction can often consist of a series of contrived chess moves to bring about certain outcomes or goals based on what each person requires and what each person offers. The ego likes casual surface friendships because it limits the possibility of something ‘deep’ making it uncomfortable. Casual friendships are seldom interesting because they are limited in scope and range, and they are unlikely to be long-lasting because no real bond has occurred and nor was it ever required. 

Type 2: Soul Friendships. These friendships will come into your life as a result of being written into your Lifeplan. Soul friendships are part of the on-going story of a much larger story. Your history with this person can go back centuries if not thousands of years, and your history with this person may or may not be troubled. Every life we are born into is for the purpose of spiritual growth, which means that friendships might very well be the epitome of what you hope a friendship should be, or not! 

Type 3: Mercy Friendship The person you are becoming friends needs a friend and you recognize this. They might be at, or falling towards rock bottom. You might feel compelled to do what you can to be a nurturing, giving, encouraging and generous friend - without expecting anything in return.  You have a chance of making a difference in someone’s life, shining your light because you wanted it seen. When you shine your light, the possibility exists that someone living in the shadows sees it. This might inspire them to try and seek what you have.  Mercy friendships require you to act and be a good example. This type of friendship might be short lasting, but so what.

Obviously there are countless categories and types of friendships, and I will be posting several articles containing some stories of different friendships I have encountered. Some were tragic if they weren't so funny.

What Qualities Make a Good Friend? 

Cultivate acceptance without becoming a doormat. 

Cultivate assertiveness but refrain from being overly-dominant.

Be caring. Do something nice for your friend, for that matter do something nice for a stranger. As a byproduct, you raise your own levels of happiness every time you do.

Cultivate authenticity to keep your friendship from slipping into realms of superficiality.

Be committed. Rough times require it.

Be compassionate. Compassion requires tolerance and mercy and acceptance for all the dirty work each of us have to go through. Compassion means you have to relinquish judgment. Be compassionate towards yourself as well, you will have a lot more confidence if you do, and then you can be a much better friend.

Be considerate. The ego prefers to consider itself only, so when you have been considerate of someone else’s well-being, you know your ego has (temporarily) relinquished the reigns. This might be a small moment, but it’s a very big one.

Be courageous. You might have to watch your friend overcome cancer or die from it. 

Be detached. When you are heavily invested in outcomes, you will feel overly burdened.

So… I have landed on the E’.s. You must now use your imagination to get to Z. Imagine the virtues that someone life Jesus might have embodied.  Mimic them if you can in any given moment or situation. You are conscious when you are doing this. If you fail, don’t beat yourself up. Beating yourself up about your short-comings puts you at a real disadvantage in life. Self-recrimination is the greatest tool the ego has to keep you trapped in a little life. I talk a lot about the ego-mind (thinking-mind) in my novel The Day She Cut God Loose which is available as an E book on this site or at - or you can listen to it at

How Do You Know You Have a Bad Friend? 

There really is no such thing as a ‘bad friend’ if the premise of your existence is that every friendship or encounter that comes into your life is meant to happen for your spiritual growth and theirs. 

Friendships generally begin well and may stay that way, but they can get ugly, but we learn a lot about ourselves from all the ugliness of life, often more so than the beauty. It’s part of the deal. You will know if you have a bad friend because they will try to drag you into the shadows with them. But again, you can learn a lot about yourself in the shadows.

A cautionary warning….If the non-stop chatter in your head is always trying to convince you the other person is at fault, be very sure that it is not your own pride speaking. Re-focus your attention and ask yourself this: Is my bad friend a reflection of myself? Don’ t beat yourself up if the answer is yes.  Honesty of this kind is a big spiritual moment. Celebrate.  Buy your bad friend a burger and bless their journey, then you can be on your merry way. Now it’s time for you to focus on cultivating the mental discipline necessary to relinquish the ego’s grasp on your life. Once you are able to do this with some degree of proficiency, you will 'attract' a better caliber of friend.

What Makes a Loyal Friend? 

A loyal friend is a friend who is able to wade through the bullshit of life with an optimistic spirit, and if shit hits the fan they don’t go running off to avoid feeling uncomfortable. 

How Do You Build Trust With a Friend? 

You can’t, not that I can tell. Trust is earned, and if it is breached, it has to be earned back.

How Long Do Most Friendships Last? 

The duration/expectation of certain friendships is often laid out in your Lifeplan. But the limited freewill we are endowed with means you can fuck-up your Lifeplan if you try hard enough, it takes a lot though, and you will be brought ‘back on track’ should the need arise. Remember though, if a certain friendship is included in your Lifeplan it is often because karma is attached to it — unfinished business, so to speak. Pray, ask your higher-self what that karma entails, slow down, cease mental chatter, it’s the only way answers ‘arrive’ in your mind. If you feel that the friendship in question is complicated or even fraught with difficulties but it is still somehow compelling, the likelihood that you have issues to resolve is high. Remember, friendships can involve family members, too. If you have problems with your dad, it might be that he was a real dick when he was your brother in previous existence.

How Do You Deal With The End Of a Friendship? 

Friendships come and go. I have had a few. They were great at the time but bled-out. I am fine with this because if the grand scheme of things, we will be able to pick up and continue our former friendships as our eternal existence plays-out. Remember the grand scheme: Life on planet Earth is just a school of sorts. The greater reality of life-before-life, life-in between-lives, and life-after-life comprises our eternal journey. This means the significance of one little lifetime could be considered trivial.  

I have also had friendships which came and naturally went which I am glad about. The significant part is that there were no bad vibes as a result of them ending, which means no karma. I don't not want to cause any bad karma because I do not want to be re-born if I can avoid it.

Again... If you have enemies, watch out, you will be required to remedy this, here and now, or in another lifetime.

How can I be a better friend? 

Better yourself. Don’t expect anything from anyone. 

Be encouraging. People need encouragement, often more than anything else. The cyclical journey of being re-born over and over again is often very difficult to endure without it… 

Be a better friend by talking about a wide range of spiritual, philosophical, and historical topics. Go to a thrift store with your friend and pick out two books that you both agree to read. Read one, exchange it, read the next one then talk about your perceptions over a glass of wine. Better your friendships by giving them substance.

History books are of great value to better expand friendships because you can bet your arse that you have participated in Earth’s bloody history and so has your friend. When you keep in mind the bigger picture of your evolutionary journey, you will be less harsh on yourself. You will be a much easier person to be around if you are free in this way.

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